4

here i am with 96 hours left in seattle. i am completely terrified. i already miss those i've had to say goodbye to (erin, jansen, brynn) and know there are far more to come. as much as this sucks, i still know very deep down that failing to go to Texas would be step of disobedience on my part. God has very clearly opened doors in Del Rio and firmly shut them (for now) in Seattle. what kills me is just how much i have to leave behind. i have incredible roommates (more like sisters at this point), the best family a girl could ask for, near & dear true-blue friends and a church community that is so rich and fulfilling. so in four days i leave a big part of my heart here with those that i love more than life, until i return in 6 months, 9 months, a year or more...who knows? mmm, this is quite bittersweet. and i don't even like that flavor.


on a lighter note:
my dear friend julie gave me a spanish/english pocket dictionary today (YAY!) and my bud luke brought me a spanish magazine so i'm translating the magazine with my dictionary!!!

6

the paper chain hanging from my cubicle wall says there are six days left until i move away from the emerald city. sniff sniff. i have had restless dreams of texas lately and it will be an extremely bittersweet goodbye. i don't even like saying goodbyes. i like saying, "see you when i see you."

after retrospecting on all the ways i have changed since coming here four years ago, i really can't imagine how i will continue to change in my new home away from home. i think i will become even more independent and very, very lonely. all of my new roommates have to go to bed at 8.30 p. which is 6.30 p. seattle time. big boo. so i anticipate doing a lot of reading, being by myself, wandering around, going to wal*mart and writing. maybe i'll finally write a book.

but, in the here and now, i am doing such lovely fun things in my final northwest days. pictures to come shortly...

nondorfia

as my days in seattle are dwindling, i'm finding that i have less and less time to spend with those i love. tuesday was one such day i got to spend a whole 8 hours with my mentor deb, amidst the company of kindred spirits, at her cabin in marysville. (see photos below) tonight i will be blessed with a night out on the town with TGS, my faithful best friends and companions for the last 4 years. i already had to say goodbye to one best friend as she ventured into the wilderness of nevada but it will nearly kill me to say goodbye to these women. we will enjoy sushi, a movie and dessert tonight but most of all i will enjoy their company.

watching yikhwan risk his life to give me my dream of

having my initials carved in nature
true love

the ponderings of our book club

classic NHB

me and my gang

leaving no stone unturned

KT (:

i enjoy long walks on the beach

got ma degree and ma two step...

so begins a few part series of graduation and all of its hulabaloo.

thursday: family rolled into town around din.din and went out to dinner at the crab pot. i gladly passed on fresh seafood (eew) and got to hang out with my stellar life group instead at the discovery park beach. we chit chatted about work and how to be a witness, etc. i had to peace early and head to the airport to pick up my dear friend, brian buchel. he had a 3 hour layover in seattle...just enough time to go out for dinner and fresh conversation at joey's southcenter and then back to the terminal he went. i then went and hung out at the hotel with my fam who had outlandishly decorated their room with 2009 grad gear. very dorky. very endearing. we chatted and partied on the hotel roof until bed time.

friday: woke up early to practice my SPEECH for ivy cutting. rolled to campus with my roomies and did the ivy cutting thing with them. it was awesome. my speech went well. the non-profit we donated our gift to has asked me to write for their blog and magazine. schwing! me and my fam then proceeded to shop until we dropped...and over the course of the next two days i literally DOUBLED my wardrobe. texas will have never seen such a cute hospital worker, i swear. friday night we did dinner on our own and i went to baccalaureate with my folks and grandma matie AKA plain 'n' fancy gifts (: that was schweet. i then took them back to their hotel and proceeded to fremont with nate, zack, sita, luke, his bro, kate and erendira for imbibing and joviality. our lively little troupe had to walk back to queen anne and did it holding hands. very beautiful.

saturday: awoke bright and early and walked BACK to fremont to get my vehicle. starbucks helped. met up with my parents, plain 'n' fancy, and the dunhams on queen anne to rally the troops and shop downtown AGAIN. we hit nordstrom rack, nordstrom, urban outfitters and anthropologie after paying a visit to josh and company down at pike place market. my feet were LITERALLY killing me so we hit up the monorail for a ride back to seattle center, a mere three blocks from our hotel. we vegetated for a little bit and rendezvous'd with the larson's and thorsett's plus their combined 6 kids for fun at the seattle center fountainand dick's to boot. we then rallied for my graudation dinner at bluwater bistro (at leschi) and i then skittered off to medina for jansen and austin's graduation party. there, the homemade sangria flowed like wine and good times were had by all. later that night i went out again with the berends clan to the matador and a good time was had by all.

sunday: woke up early for a trip to church with the family. they FINALLY got to meet brad and nancy root, the loves of my life, and their angels tia, knight and...come september, titan fitzgerald (named by me and nancy!). i then headed home and got ready for graduation. had a great drive down to safeco with my roomies. definitely parked my car next to a hobo tent so i was EXTREMELY pleased to find it in one piece and my tires urine-free when i returned. graduation was awesome. i spent my first hour in the tunnel running away from the line nazi. apparently this lady thought that God himself gave her the authority to boss around college graduates by forcing them into alphabetical order like kindergarteners. i wasn't having it and got to spend my graduation with some of my nearest and dearest (ben, erin, adam, debbie, josh, marc, etc.). got my diploma, didn't trip on the stage and had a blast. my family left straight from graduation for home and i headed off to lake forest park with andria for her grad dinner. tried salmon for the first time, hated it but tried it nonetheless. bleh. i then hit up a late showing of the movie UP (definitely cried) and crashed into bed.

monday: the only thing remarkable about this day was the $192.00 bill i racked up at the matador. it started with josh, steve and i but ended with eric mill's small group and a few rounds of tequila shots and an amazing night ensued. i WISH i had a picture from this night. i'm sure one will apparate sooner than later.

tuesday: spent a wonderful day in the land of nondorfia with dear friends. we BBQ'd, went to the beach, swam, read, swung, made pie irons & smores and BBQ'd some more. beautiful day with truly beautiful people. went out to matador with kramer later that night (yes. matador thrice in 4 days yum) and ran into, i kid you not...20 SPU people. saw old friends and fellow grads galore. wonderful.

that is the whirlwind synopsis of the weekend. more in-depth, meaningful writing later. enjoy this for now.

gloriously terrifying

this video by director/producer chris milk is wonderfully scary. it chronicles a man's thoughts in the last moments of his life. makes me wonder what my final thoughts will be as i leave this earth.

http://vimeo.com/4155700

rilke

quickly falling head over heels for the german poet rainer maria rilke. i've read some of his work within the writings of anne morrow lindbergh (my favorite authoress) and purchased two of his books yesterday with NHB including "letters to a young poet" and "rilke on love and other difficulties". i'm halfway through the former and its insights scarily mirror my own condition. it's unnerving just how adeptly rilke's pen writes of my own thoughts and plights. 

one theme that threads its way throughout his letters is the notion of solitude as both a burden and a gift. rilke encourages his young poet friend to, "go into yourself. your solitude will expand and become a place where you can live in the twilight...for the creator must be a world for himself."

my favorite quote so far, yet there are SO many, is this. 

"have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. don't search for the answers...because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

i have endless questions and am just hoping for the courage and patience to live into those answers.

music makes my heart sing

in the few days i have left in seattle, i'm trying to fritter away good music before i move down to del rio which isn't quite the musical hub that the emerald city is. i've been downloading songs like it's my JOB and have come up with 106 fresh ear snacks in the last 5 days. i think that's a record even for me. 

new artists tickling my ears include: blue merle (thank you NHB), mz. streamz, band of skulls, zee avi, wild light, datarock, phoenix, the black crowes, mono, story of the sea, deastro, ice palace, faunts and MOOOOOORE!

getting new music makes my heart sing.

the end.

muzac

i could not fall asleep last night so i stayed up and catalogued my music. i've gotten 33 new albums in the last few weeks and they all needed organized and put into their own playlists. so i did that and...bought the new mat kearney and dave matthews band albums. both are most excellent. most excellent.

tried falling asleep even after that and this song just keeps haunting me. it's called "fill me in" and it's off of the kingdom and the gospel album by SPU's worship arts ensemble. it's sung by aaron davidson and natalie closer, if i'm not mistaken, and it's just following me everywhere.

favorite lines that won't let me go are these:

beyond all my wildest dreams, there's a romance here.
it stunts my breath and stops my heart, and captures me.
and beneath my own stubborn pride, a darkness nears.
and just when all seems done and lost, my God appears.

something more. to quell the fears of man.
something more. you steal our hearts to mend.
something more. to fill us in.

current thoughts

can't say enough how much i love fd's mosaic maker. this new one reflects things currently taking up residence in my head and heart for one reason or another.

summer institute

last week i got the deep privilege to attend the summer institute for campus ministry on whidbey island with some campus ministries magnates. i went into the institute expecting to enjoy the next four days off work and dink around camp casey but i have returned to grapple with some new questions, wonderful tensions and rich answers. i have been through much in the past three months and i'm beginning to understand that God may not present me with all the answers. i think i'm arriving to the place where i don't need to know the answers. i desperately want to know that there has been a reason for all of the pain, turmoil, and transition that these past few months have been fraught with, but i'm becoming truly okay without having His method to the madness. 

while at this institute i had some incredible opportunities to encounter Christ. He showed me a handful of areas where i've failed to trust, failed to rest, failed to be patient, and failed to believe. now with that knowledge, i'm ready to act on my unbelief and undergo more spiritual starvation so that i can experience solidarity with my Jesus. my Jesus. He's come after my heart with reckless abandon and i cannot resist. He makes me think in colors that don't exist. He's blowing my mind. 

if anything during this process of loss, change and growth i have learned that my deepest desire is for Christ to be my everything. i've also learned this - i am not perfect. but i am perfect for that imperfect someone that is perfect for me.

big sigh...