Flat Max Pays a Visit

Despite last week's influx of visitors, an overwhelming sadness loomed because of the absence of Maxamilian E. Hinton, my hetero-lifemate. Max couldn't bear to see me, Forrest and Strek's shenanigans on Facebook and even threatened to hide us from his news feed to prevent unquenchable sadness and incredible feelings of exclusion. With that in mind, and in an effort to preserve my personal policy of "No Friend Left Behind", I created Flat Max (in the same vein as Flat Stanley) to join us in on our Seattle adventures.


Flat Max was always at the ready, ever prepared for a good time. He woke up with Strek and I at midnight on Thursday (er...Friday morning) to go pick up Forrest from the airport.

Thankfully, Strek's pea coat is big enough for two

Telling an awesome joke just minutes before Forrest's arrival

On Friday, he was up bright and early to take me to work. He bought me coffee and brought along a car beer for the road. In my opinion, it was a bit chilly to go shirtless but it didn't seem to phase Flat Max in the least. 

7am PST means 10am EST...which is a slightly more acceptable drinking time

While I slaved away at my desk job, Flat Max played tourist with Forrest and Strek. They hit up the Monorail - Seattle's most decrepit and overpriced mode of transportation - the Flagship Starbucks and even the illustrious Space Needle, which clearly doesn't abide by the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy. 

Suns out, guns out...YA DIG???

ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!

Smooches from on top of the world, baby

Bro time with Forrest on the Monorail ride back

That night we had big plans to head to Bitterroot, Seattle's newest BBQ & bourbon hot spot. Sadly their wait was wayyyyy too long so we meandered over to Sam's Sushi. The wait was ATROCIOUS there as well but Flat Max helped us make the best of it by playing hide and seek in the foliage.

Brings that damn beer EVERYWHERE. So embarrassing.

Saturday morning Flat Max roused us all for family breakfast at Five Spot. Thanks to his charming kissy face, we got a table post-haste. We soon discovered Max was ALL ABOUT their Bloody Marys and guzzled a handful before informing us he conveniently "forgot his wallet"...

Who can say no to THIS?

Slurps McGee

Flat Max took some "me time" for a couple days (aka we might have left him on my kitchen counter) but returned Thursday night for The Last Supper at Christo's on Alki. After some tasty pizza, we stopped on the beach for one final photo op. 

The Emerald in all her glory, basking in Max's ethereal glow

Hottie alert. 

Max & Eggs hugging it out

All in all, Flat Max was the perfect house guest. He took up very little space and left no mess - we hardly knew he was here! He was a perfect gentleman and had no problem sleeping in the car since my apartment was at max capacity. Hopefully this isn't the last we'll see of Flat Max but, to be clear, the REAL Max is welcome any time (:

On Conquering

Remember when I said I had visitors coming?

They came (sts), they're here and we're conquering The Emerald.

And I've done my best to keep my social media to a minimum lately to preserve the delicate feelings of our Missing Comrade: Max E. Hinton.

But trust me, not only am I documenting their visit but I'm also planning a little surprise for the Blessed Absent One. Quite unbeknownst to him, Max actually did come to Seattle...in 2-D form.

Here's a peek at the Flat Max Project. Creep the final product later this week.

Maxamilian taking me to work on Friday

All You Ever Needed to Know...

About Forrest J. Underwood: A Photographic Journey


Guess who's coming to town? None other than my hetero-lifemate, Forrest J. Underwood. He's so popular here on NW is Best that he has his own category. In just nine days the Sultan of Swag arrives for an entire week to take the Emerald City by storm. If this isn't highly deserving of an "All You Ever Needed to Know About Forrest J. Underwood" pictorial, I don't know what is. Upon reading this, you too can practically consider him your hetero-lifemate. 


1. He loves to party

2. He's GREAT with kids

3. Animals love him

4. He flies this

5. He was born swagga-docious

6. Super hot older brother: CHECK

7. Knows how to cut a rug

8. He loves his mama

9. He's strong 

10. He moonlights as a swimsuit model

11. The stash looks good on him

12. Impeccable dentition

Finally (and most importantly)...

13. He's got great taste in friends

sisters

we met nearly six years ago and have seen it all at this point. life has come and gone but these girls have remained. family BBQ last night and ladies night tonight. YES YES YES.

my sisters are reunited and it feels so good.

mrs. elmo, andria, mrs. B, brynny, sarita & moi

my unreal paint skillz in action

TGS #1 gets married 

TGS #2 ties the knot!

Q graduates first! 

my girls 

dirty canada 

canada?

 fourth of july of old

shiny new SPU grads

edna j.

so i took a trip home to OR this weekend and visited this little raisin, edna j. drydale.

vintage braves cap courtesy of spencer barnes' minors team

spencer's closet - dallas, OR - circa 1997

she's my 92 year-old great grandma and is totally outrageous. i took davy crockett to pay her first visit to GG and edna was enamored with my little ball of sweet black lovin'. the best thing about grandma is hearing what comes out of her mouth. since her days are exclusively filled with eating and TV (primarily COPS, major league baseball and the occasional episode of matlock), reality gets strangely garbled for her and she ends up regurgitating outlandish tales that paint her and my great grandpa as american folklore. lucky for y'all, i committed these tall tales to memory for your viewing pleasure.

GG: how's your job overseas going?
KT: oh, i live in seattle now. my job's fine.
GG: no, you work overseas...
KT: uh, no, rem does. he's flying airplanes overseas. he gives people gas. his wife is in spokane flying helicopters.
GG: rem got married?!
KT: uh, yeah grandma. last year. you have a picture of it right there. see? that's rem and that's ashly?
GG: that's REM?!!?
KT: ha, yes. yes, it is. they live in spokane.
GG: oh so you bought a house?
KT: no, rem and ashly bought a house. in spokane.
GG: ohhhhh yeah. it's right next door to our house in spokane.
KT: come again?
GG: yeah, we have a house right next door. with six foot fences so the dogs can't jump out.
KT: niiiiiice. that's gotta be super convenient for you.

grandma LOVES reminiscing about colorado. her and great-grandpa used to live there as kids and adults. my grandpa even literally got stuck in the kissing camels at garden of the gods and the fire department had to come get him down. that one actually is true. the following tale is 69% false.

GG: you know your grandpa laid curb in colorado. all of colorado springs.
KT: really...
GG: he was the best cement finisher in all of oregon (ah, i see we've jumped states here)
KT: doesn't surprise me
GG: and he built the air force academy.
KT: by himself?
GG: pretty much. and he built fort kit carson.
KT: wowwwwww. that's awesome. so he pretty much built all of colorado springs.
GG: yep. best cement finisher in all of oregon

and have i mentioned she's addicted to MLB?

KT: what are you watching?
GG: the world series (in actuality it was a recap of baseball in the 70s)
KT: who's playing?
GG: my boys!
KT: ahhhh, who's your boys?
GG: oh i can't remember right now. america.
J: isn't america always in the world series?
KT: (just go with it)
GG: america and japan. we're killing them.
KT: oh reallllllly.
GG: oh yeah, i love the dodgers. (she has zero affiliation with the dodgers)

i wish i would have taken pictures of her wall decor. someone (cough*grandmamatie*cough) has cut out kitschy pictures from her boston terrier calendars and pasted them on HUGE pieces of posterboard. they now masquerade as "tasteful wall hangings". great grandma swears those are her champion bulldogs - and she's kind of right. my family has raised bostons for 4 generations and she did have at least one champion, sampson.

GG: those are my champions
KT: i see that. which ones are those?
GG: oh, you know, that girl.
KT: you mean chica?
GG: no...
KT: sampson?
GG: i don't know. that girl.
KT: i remember chica & stubby. wasn't chica mom's dog and you took her when rem was born?
GG: that was your grandma matie's dog. i took her because i had a big backyard. 6 foot fences.
KT: ohhhhh yeah...in spokane. next to rem and ashly.
GG: exactly.

i promise you she's not crazy, just hysterical to listen to. i used to try and correct her stories but it's wayyyyyyyyy more fun to just roll with them. when she used to live in her own house and watch COPS on heavy rotation, she'd swear up and down that the dallas PD visited her neighbors on the reg, arresting them and getting them "facedown on a tarp with their hands cuffed behind their back". literally directly seen on COPS. it's a shame too, her poor neighbors were actually really nice people too.

i can't only hope to be this badass in 68 years.

i kept marveling at how still davy was sitting and how she kept looking directly at the camera.

come to find out edna had an iron clasp on davy's windpipe for the better part of a minute.

end of an era

hands down, my favorite people on earth are my family. the barnes clan has it all - rugged good looks, brawn, brain, adorable dogs and humility. strong silent type? look no further than my dad. brainiac? rem, ashly and mom. perpetual servant? grandma matie. adorable, 4' 9" raisin with a sharp tongue? great grandma. and the crown jewel of the clan - our resident leaf blowing in the breeze of life (with perfect bone structure to boot) - spencer. my main squeeze just quit his job, bought a Lezbaru and has pulled chocks to go conquer the wilds of Colorado as a river rafting guide. i realize this sounds like the plot of another van wilder installment but such is the life of my baby brother. college graduation, shitty seattle weather, a dead-end job and one heaping dose of wanderlust combined to create the perfect storm for spence's emerald city exit. he left today with all his worldly belongings and a huge smile on his face.

i'm genuinely excited for him but also horribly sad at the same time. spence and i were thick as thieves in high school and after suffering through a whole year without him freshman year, i managed to connive him into going to the same college as me and living three floors above me. booyah. brave little soul even shacked up with me and my four gorgeous ladies for a summer in our magnolia estrogen pit. suffice it to say we are close. reallllllly close. moving to texas was so awesome for me but also was the longest i've gone without seeing spence and the furthest i've ever been from him. upon my return to seattle, i posted up in my boss' basement for 2+ months until spencer and i could move into our postage stamp condo together. though i cringed at the smell of his man cave, the lack of mennonite cleaning skills and being forced to watch reruns of "las vegas" every day on our lunch hour (oh yeah, did i mention we worked for the same company?) - i already miss him SO MUCH. eesh. he's been gone for 6 hours and i've cried three times already. woe. is. me.

all this to say - i'm super bummed. it breaks my heart to think that now the three barnes children have officially gone their separate ways and spence and i will never live together again. but this isn't about me. i hope that colorado is to spencer what texas was to me - eye opening and life changing. even more...i hope i can convince him to chuck deuces to seattle for good and move with me somewhere new. i just can't imagine this being the end of our era! we've got a lot of living yet to do and there's no one else i'd rather do mine with. so, if you're holding a glass, raise it to spencer the river rat and send him some love as he starts a new chapter.

oh, and i have this shiny new guest room (that smells so fresh and so clean, clean). so come visit me! seriously. i'll feed you, i'll let you play with my adorable smush-faced pup and i'll play tour guide to perfection. see you soon?

now, enjoy a surplus of kt & spencer pictures. i HIGHLY recommend you scroll all the way down. there may be a blast from the 1998 past where i look like a man child in my loony toons shirt, breakaway pants and adidas sandals. yeah, the kind NBA playas wear. NBD.