Flat Max Pays a Visit

Despite last week's influx of visitors, an overwhelming sadness loomed because of the absence of Maxamilian E. Hinton, my hetero-lifemate. Max couldn't bear to see me, Forrest and Strek's shenanigans on Facebook and even threatened to hide us from his news feed to prevent unquenchable sadness and incredible feelings of exclusion. With that in mind, and in an effort to preserve my personal policy of "No Friend Left Behind", I created Flat Max (in the same vein as Flat Stanley) to join us in on our Seattle adventures.


Flat Max was always at the ready, ever prepared for a good time. He woke up with Strek and I at midnight on Thursday (er...Friday morning) to go pick up Forrest from the airport.

Thankfully, Strek's pea coat is big enough for two

Telling an awesome joke just minutes before Forrest's arrival

On Friday, he was up bright and early to take me to work. He bought me coffee and brought along a car beer for the road. In my opinion, it was a bit chilly to go shirtless but it didn't seem to phase Flat Max in the least. 

7am PST means 10am EST...which is a slightly more acceptable drinking time

While I slaved away at my desk job, Flat Max played tourist with Forrest and Strek. They hit up the Monorail - Seattle's most decrepit and overpriced mode of transportation - the Flagship Starbucks and even the illustrious Space Needle, which clearly doesn't abide by the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy. 

Suns out, guns out...YA DIG???

ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!

Smooches from on top of the world, baby

Bro time with Forrest on the Monorail ride back

That night we had big plans to head to Bitterroot, Seattle's newest BBQ & bourbon hot spot. Sadly their wait was wayyyyy too long so we meandered over to Sam's Sushi. The wait was ATROCIOUS there as well but Flat Max helped us make the best of it by playing hide and seek in the foliage.

Brings that damn beer EVERYWHERE. So embarrassing.

Saturday morning Flat Max roused us all for family breakfast at Five Spot. Thanks to his charming kissy face, we got a table post-haste. We soon discovered Max was ALL ABOUT their Bloody Marys and guzzled a handful before informing us he conveniently "forgot his wallet"...

Who can say no to THIS?

Slurps McGee

Flat Max took some "me time" for a couple days (aka we might have left him on my kitchen counter) but returned Thursday night for The Last Supper at Christo's on Alki. After some tasty pizza, we stopped on the beach for one final photo op. 

The Emerald in all her glory, basking in Max's ethereal glow

Hottie alert. 

Max & Eggs hugging it out

All in all, Flat Max was the perfect house guest. He took up very little space and left no mess - we hardly knew he was here! He was a perfect gentleman and had no problem sleeping in the car since my apartment was at max capacity. Hopefully this isn't the last we'll see of Flat Max but, to be clear, the REAL Max is welcome any time (:

On Conquering

Remember when I said I had visitors coming?

They came (sts), they're here and we're conquering The Emerald.

And I've done my best to keep my social media to a minimum lately to preserve the delicate feelings of our Missing Comrade: Max E. Hinton.

But trust me, not only am I documenting their visit but I'm also planning a little surprise for the Blessed Absent One. Quite unbeknownst to him, Max actually did come to Seattle...in 2-D form.

Here's a peek at the Flat Max Project. Creep the final product later this week.

Maxamilian taking me to work on Friday

Krazy Dayz

Typically, going home to Dallas, Oregon never ceases to provide insta-fodder for NW is Best. Better yet, if I'm lucky enough to make it home for the annual Krazy Dayz/Summerfest weekend, shit goes DOWNNNNN. Someone asked me the point of this annual summer celebration and I literally couldn't answer. It's basically just a chance for every Dallasite to let their freak flag fly for a whole 48 hours. And fly they did - Saturday's parade was a flurry of exposed bellies, Shriner's, mini ponies, the France School of Dance, baby holding and shielding my face from old classmates on Main Street. Before I launch into the weekend glory, I've got to give big ups to my darling BFF and grandma extraordinaire, Matie AKA Mater Bates, Girlfriend, Poopy Grandma, etc. That's MATIE - rhymes with KT and also, when paired with "Arrrrghhhh!", is a typical pirate greeting. She is a total doll and has faithfully worked at the Main Street hardware/gift shop since Lady Gaga was in diapers, saving me a front row seat each year for the illustrious freak parade. I hope my forthcoming account doesn't make me sound high-and-mighty...trust me, I used to cruise in this thang EVERY year. One year I was dressed as Dorothy with Rem as the Tin Man, both wearing rainbow wigs and clown face paint while our BFF's rode bikes pulling their cats in a fake circus cage. Another year I was strapped to the back of my dad's SEPTIC TRUCK throwing tootsie rolls...oh my GAWD. And yet another year I fell off of a church float and almost got ran over. Twice. GOOD TIMES PEOPLE.



A brief history lesson here - "Summer Fest" is known to Dallas' Original Gangsters as Krazy Dayz. Not sure what ole' dummy ever thought to change it's awesome name. Maybe it has something to do with this guy (at right) who goes by the ubiquitous alias' of Wind Walker, Leaning Larry, Laid Back Lenny, etc. Pretty sure this dude's real name is John Something-Or-Other. He went to high school with Robb Barnes and apparently sizzled his brain with tasty drugs. He now can be seen all over Dallas with his trademark walk - tilted backwards at ~ 45 degrees. To keep things stylish, Wind Walker usually carries his backpack on his chest as well and as been seen numerous times picking up cigarette butts from the sidewalk and saving them for later. Tastyyyyyyy. So maybe the name change has to do with Krazy Dayz offending our local color, I can't really be sure. Maybe worth writing to the Chamber of Commerce about now that I think of it...

Saturday, I woke bright and early, around 9.30, all abuzz with excitement about the day's festivities - parade, bike riding and backyard tanning. As I was throwing on my parade uniform of mismatched tops and cut-offs, my wondering eyes beheld a voicemail notification. Enter Drew Hundley and Patrick Mount - two very hilarious, very single Air Force helicopter pilots. Fun fact: Drew's vocal twin is none other than Kenny Powers. These perfect strangers stayed with me for 4 days last weekend and are now in the Inner Circle of Friendship. They also left me the longest, most ludicrous voicemail I've ever received early Saturday morning. Not only did I listen to it 6-9 times, but also transcribed it for your reading pleasure. Blanks mean I really couldn't make out their slurred speech but feel free to insert whatever you wish...

"Listen, here's the deal. You, me, a ___ in ___'s mouth, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yos and a pack of everlasting gobstoppers and some 100 mph tape, golf tees, chicken con carne, and some 5 lb bags of ice - obviously 3 because any more would not make any sense....But anyway this is Drew and Pat and we were just calling to say 'hello' and we're very upset. Obviously you're in uh, Losertown, Oregon at this juncture and we are drunk. We almost got arrested tonight because of one of our friends, so that's neither here nor there so we were calling to say we heart you but we're also calling to say you are the heart of our team and we miss you and we're gonna miss you forever. So call us tomorrow and leave us a drunk voicemail. And we will miss you forever and always or as the Chinese say, "Ching chow Wang Chong doo we". Okay welp talk to you later"

Try to tell me that's not dumbest yet funniest thing you've ever read. Just try. That really set the positive tone for my day as I headed out the door with my adorbs mother who complained that our parking spot, a whopping 3 blocks away from the parade route was, "so far away". Approaching Main Street, my heart was pitter-pattering. This is the town I love more than anywhere else. This is where I'm a legend in my own mind and Krazy Dayz is the one time a year where everyone can be a celeb. On the way to the market to pick up cheese and Chex Mix mom goes, "Why do people wear weird things in their hair at things like this?! Have people lost all sense of dignity??" Well, this is Dallas so yes mom, they have. Next I popped over to the Antique Mall to hobnob with my gorgeous ex-babysitter, Micah. And by ex-babysitter I literally mean she was my babysitter growing up. She dated the ticket-taker from the movie theater once upon a time and taught me how to swim. Now she lives near me in Seattle and I babysit her cherubs - we've come full circle folks. As I was holding Baby #1 of the weekend, I had a delightful exchange with a crusty old lady on oxygen who i was standing near and slightly blocking her northern vision of the route.

Lady: I can't see a THING (as the parade is still half a mile away...)
Me: Um...you know, you could just ask me to move. That would be WAY more polite.
Lady: Well, are you gonna move or what?
Me: Don't you worry (muttered expletive under breath

Didn't let ole' Thundercloud McGee ruin my morning though. I dashed off to the front lines with the parentals just in time to watch the Chamber of Commerce Director ride by dressed like a mermaid on a pirate ship. Hey, I never claimed Krazy Dayz was classy. Unfortunately this was the first year I can remember that the Color Guard didn't start off the parade - big no-no in my book and the Itemizer Observer can expect a Letter to the Editor from me shortly. What followed was no less than 20 church floats sporting slogans like, "God's grace under the sea" (what does that even mean?) with 15+ youth stuffed on there singing 90's praise and worship songs, the France School of Dance doing the exact same parade dance they've done for 20+ years, an entirely green pony who walked by to murmurs of "animal cruelty" and "who would do that?", a miniscule group of Shriner's sans the paraplegic doll with a crutch usually propped on one of their rooftops, and about 100 mini ponies pooping all over the place. It was really hard to narrow down my top 3 crazy sightings but it seems to have come down to these winners:

And with that, my beautiful parade was over. From there we grabbed lunch, held some more beautiful babies (Dallas is definitely riding a baby boom of late) and it was homeward for some backyard tanning - the kind where you don't want your dad to come out in the yard, if you know what I mean. Naturally the ONE TIME I do this is the ONE WEEKEND they're giving helicopter tours over our farm. Sweeeeeeeeet. The helo started out flying over the far edge of our property and then steadily progressed to directly over my yard. Coincidence? I think not. You're welcome people of Dallas with $30 to spare and an eye for the divine. That evening the dogs and I played, harassed the chickens and mom and I resurrected our biker gang Hellz Angelzzzzz and thugged it up around town on 2 wheels. We ultimately ended up crashing my uncle's 30 year reunion at the bar. I could have sat there and people watched all day but I was slightly underdressed and the promise of s'mores at home was calling my name. Around the firepit we tried to roast flat s'more mallows (dumbest invention ever) with sticks that were WAY too short. Luckily Robb Barnes is a MacGyver of sorts and duct taped a roaster to a long stick and we were good to go. That's until I got called "disrespectful" for trying to shove a dirty marshmallow down my germophobic mother's throat and the party prompty ended. Somebody needs to learn how to have a good time...

edna j.

so i took a trip home to OR this weekend and visited this little raisin, edna j. drydale.

vintage braves cap courtesy of spencer barnes' minors team

spencer's closet - dallas, OR - circa 1997

she's my 92 year-old great grandma and is totally outrageous. i took davy crockett to pay her first visit to GG and edna was enamored with my little ball of sweet black lovin'. the best thing about grandma is hearing what comes out of her mouth. since her days are exclusively filled with eating and TV (primarily COPS, major league baseball and the occasional episode of matlock), reality gets strangely garbled for her and she ends up regurgitating outlandish tales that paint her and my great grandpa as american folklore. lucky for y'all, i committed these tall tales to memory for your viewing pleasure.

GG: how's your job overseas going?
KT: oh, i live in seattle now. my job's fine.
GG: no, you work overseas...
KT: uh, no, rem does. he's flying airplanes overseas. he gives people gas. his wife is in spokane flying helicopters.
GG: rem got married?!
KT: uh, yeah grandma. last year. you have a picture of it right there. see? that's rem and that's ashly?
GG: that's REM?!!?
KT: ha, yes. yes, it is. they live in spokane.
GG: oh so you bought a house?
KT: no, rem and ashly bought a house. in spokane.
GG: ohhhhh yeah. it's right next door to our house in spokane.
KT: come again?
GG: yeah, we have a house right next door. with six foot fences so the dogs can't jump out.
KT: niiiiiice. that's gotta be super convenient for you.

grandma LOVES reminiscing about colorado. her and great-grandpa used to live there as kids and adults. my grandpa even literally got stuck in the kissing camels at garden of the gods and the fire department had to come get him down. that one actually is true. the following tale is 69% false.

GG: you know your grandpa laid curb in colorado. all of colorado springs.
KT: really...
GG: he was the best cement finisher in all of oregon (ah, i see we've jumped states here)
KT: doesn't surprise me
GG: and he built the air force academy.
KT: by himself?
GG: pretty much. and he built fort kit carson.
KT: wowwwwww. that's awesome. so he pretty much built all of colorado springs.
GG: yep. best cement finisher in all of oregon

and have i mentioned she's addicted to MLB?

KT: what are you watching?
GG: the world series (in actuality it was a recap of baseball in the 70s)
KT: who's playing?
GG: my boys!
KT: ahhhh, who's your boys?
GG: oh i can't remember right now. america.
J: isn't america always in the world series?
KT: (just go with it)
GG: america and japan. we're killing them.
KT: oh reallllllly.
GG: oh yeah, i love the dodgers. (she has zero affiliation with the dodgers)

i wish i would have taken pictures of her wall decor. someone (cough*grandmamatie*cough) has cut out kitschy pictures from her boston terrier calendars and pasted them on HUGE pieces of posterboard. they now masquerade as "tasteful wall hangings". great grandma swears those are her champion bulldogs - and she's kind of right. my family has raised bostons for 4 generations and she did have at least one champion, sampson.

GG: those are my champions
KT: i see that. which ones are those?
GG: oh, you know, that girl.
KT: you mean chica?
GG: no...
KT: sampson?
GG: i don't know. that girl.
KT: i remember chica & stubby. wasn't chica mom's dog and you took her when rem was born?
GG: that was your grandma matie's dog. i took her because i had a big backyard. 6 foot fences.
KT: ohhhhh yeah...in spokane. next to rem and ashly.
GG: exactly.

i promise you she's not crazy, just hysterical to listen to. i used to try and correct her stories but it's wayyyyyyyyy more fun to just roll with them. when she used to live in her own house and watch COPS on heavy rotation, she'd swear up and down that the dallas PD visited her neighbors on the reg, arresting them and getting them "facedown on a tarp with their hands cuffed behind their back". literally directly seen on COPS. it's a shame too, her poor neighbors were actually really nice people too.

i can't only hope to be this badass in 68 years.

i kept marveling at how still davy was sitting and how she kept looking directly at the camera.

come to find out edna had an iron clasp on davy's windpipe for the better part of a minute.

bridesmaids: a review

you know the great thing about being a blogger? i can deem myself competent enough to do things like review hysterical films, without really having the credentials to do so. booyah. so, since it's fresh in my mind, i have to talk to you about bridesmaids - the funniest, most gut-wrenching movie i have ever seen. this is the vulgar comedy women like me have waited an eternity to see. though i like to think i have a cunning wit and sharp sense of humor (and super humble) i typically am not the "laugh aloud" type in theaters; i find people like that slightly annoying. but watching six foul-mouthed comediennes put a man-flick like the hangover to SHAME by being infinitely more witty, clever and push way more social boundaries had me rolling the entire time. besides, kristin wiig has had me in her back pocket ever since moonlighting as a bitchy assistant in knocked up and it doesn't hurt that she's my most fave SNL regular (you know, the retarded sister with baby hands in the lawrence welk skits with a five-head and snaggleteeth?)

here's the premise in case you haven't seen the movie yet. kristin wiig leads the cast as annie walker, the out-of-luck former baker that's now doing time at a shitty jewelers and living with two foul british siblings and eventually with her celebrity-caricature-drawing mother. when annie's lifelong best friend lillian (played by maya rudolph) gets engaged, she sets out to prove she can kill it as an MOH and heads up an all-star cast of fellow bridesmaids in the usual pre-wedding antics - bach party, dress shopping, luncheons, showers, etc.when confronted with lillian's new, filthy rich BFF helen, annie lives like she's got something to prove. although broke as a joke, she bumbles and bluffs her way through MOH-dom but doesn't come out unscathed, managing to ruin pretty much everything associated with the her maidly duties. the hilarity that ensues is side splitting. you can forget whatever your favorite movie was before, because bridesmaids will undoubtedly replace it. sidenote: while i ADORE all the ladies in this film, melissa mccarthy (formerly known as suki on gilmore girls) completely steals the show as the groom's butchy sister with enough killer one-liners to fill a book.

i could recount each of my favorite scenes to you but then i'd be spending my precious time detailing the entire 2 hour film and keeping $9 in your pocket and i wouldn't want to do something like that in these tough economic times. i did especially love the dress shopping fiasco, when annie takes the gang to a brazilian hole-in-the-wall for lunch and ends up giving the entire bridal party the sweats and shits in a bridal boutique. but my most favorite scene is the plane ride heading to a bachelorette weekend in vegas. it was just one show-stopping quote after another. i'll leave you with a few juicy ones below. if you had a fave, share!

if you have a pulse, you MUST go see it while it's still in theaters. grab your girls (or guys) and get ready for 120 minutes of laughing until the tears come. it's double duty - you exercise your liver and get your monthly cry in!



drunk annie: it's called CIVIL RIGHTS. this is the 90's.

megan: i'm glad he's single, cause i'm gonna climb him like a tree.

rita: what are we doing for the bachelorette party?
megan: female fight club. i say we grease up and - SURPRISE! beat the crap out of her.

helen: it's not good to have a meal before a fitting.
megan: not for me. i naturally just don't bloat.

rita: (talking about her 3 boys) they are cute, but when they reach that age...DISGUSTING. they smell, they are sticky, they say things that are horrible. everything is covered in semen. i literally broke a blanket in half the other day.

annie's mom: i'm sure she meets him in the evening, beaver first.